[Annasophia Marks, enormously popular host of "Showbiz Voledads", walks onto the set to the roaring applause of two hundred people (audience). Smiles, waves.]

 

MARKS: Great to see you all--another day of SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS! [shouts.] Today we're talking about the controversial Pauline Hemis sentence. Hemis, heiress and socialite, was recently arrested for drunken horse-racing in an Elvernian square. We're having Elvern's top sheriff teach us here at SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS a little bit about those archaic Elvern laws. That's when we come back.

 

[Commericials for two minutes.]

 

[SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS theme music comes on.]

 

MARKS: And we're back with more of SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS! Pauline Hemis is a well-known figure in celeb social circles. Recently arrested for drunk horse-racing, Hemis was arrested by Elvern police. We're having Elvern sheriff Peter Brooks on the show. 

 

[Brooks walks in to some far-flung cheers and some polite clapping.]

 

MARKS: Great to see you, Peter. Here at Showbiz Voledads, our workers sometimes get a little rowdy. [Marks giggles.] Anyways, we'd like to learn some of the Elvern laws, so when we go to Elvern on our "Living Showbiz" tour--that's September 21st, 22nd, 23rd, and 24th--be sure to be there at the Lydenmauer Hall. [Marks giggles again.]

 

BROOKS: I'm glad to be here. While Elvern's laws have been termed 'archaic' and 'useless', our city codes are supported by rich tradition and reason. We expect high standards of behavior from both our city's inhabitants and visitors; we are attempting to make Voledads a commercially attractive place for tourism, and elevate Voledads' position in other countries' eyes, on the international scale. Our codes include such rules as no operation of machines under sedatives such as laudanum, morphine, or opium, as well as beverages such as beer, ale, grog, cognac, champagne, whisk--

 

MARKS: Thanks, that's enough. So why exactly is drunken horse-racing illegal?

 

BROOKS: Elvern's codes both prohibit "drunken acceleration upon vehicle or beast" and horse-racing in the city square. First of all, drunken acceleration means that those under the influence are often unable to see where they're going or care where they're going. It's a danger to themselves as well--they could fall off, crash, and numerous other accidents could happen. Horse-racing was prohibited in 1918, when a horse-race in the city shopping center caused seventy minor injuries, twenty-two major injuries, including concussions, and three fatalities. Horse-racers are often reckless, and as horse-racing is not a sport defined as an "official activity or project for which the government may clear pathways of vehicle and pedestrian movement", they're also not able to clear people from the streeet.

 

MARKS: Why doesn't the government introduce a change in the bill to allow for clearing of the streets?  It seems like this would make for both better deals for the horse-racers and pedestrians and drivers.

 

BROOKS: We've considered this, but clearing of the streets requires a federal statement from the oligarchy allowing for such. We submitted two re-forms of the bill, but it's still on what we call the "oligarchy's waiting list" in a lower position. Compared to such important issues as foreign aid, illegal immigration, and global warming, do you really want a majority of the oligarchy's time spent on the horse-racing debate? The Petty Council, which processes bill re-form requests, has also pointed out to us horse-racing is often unethical for animal safety reasons. Horses are transported in dark, cramped trucks, often neglected, and whipped harshly. We've sent in patrols to prevent horse-racing in other areas, and we've also enforced a national law making for better animal rights.

 

MARKS: Great to have you on the show. Thanks for coming, everybody! This is SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS!