[Annasophia Marks, enormously popular host of "Showbiz Voledads", walks onto the set to the roaring applause of two hundred people (audience). Smiles, waves.]

 

MARKS: Great to see you all--another day of SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS! [shouts.] Today we're talking about the controversial Pauline Hemis sentence. Hemis, heiress and socialite, was recently arrested for drunken horse-racing in an Elvernian square. We're having Elvern's top sheriff teach us here at SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS a little bit about those archaic Elvern laws. That's when we come back.

 

[Commericials for two minutes.]

 

[SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS theme music comes on.]

 

MARKS: And we're back with more of SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS! Pauline Hemis is a well-known figure in celeb social circles. Recently arrested for drunk horse-racing, Hemis was arrested by Elvern police. We're having Elvern sheriff Peter Brooks on the show. 

 

[Brooks walks in to some far-flung cheers and some polite clapping.]

 

MARKS: Great to see you, Peter. Here at Showbiz Voledads, our workers sometimes get a little rowdy. [Marks giggles.] Anyways, we'd like to learn some of the Elvern laws, so when we go to Elvern on our "Living Showbiz" tour--that's September 21st, 22nd, 23rd, and 24th--be sure to be there at the Lydenmauer Hall. [Marks giggles again.]

 

BROOKS: I'm glad to be here. While Elvern's laws have been termed 'archaic' and 'useless', our city codes are supported by rich tradition and reason. We expect high standards of behavior from both our city's inhabitants and visitors; we are attempting to make Voledads a commercially attractive place for tourism, and elevate Voledads' position in other countries' eyes, on the international scale. Our codes include such rules as no operation of machines under sedatives such as laudanum, morphine, or opium, as well as beverages such as beer, ale, grog, cognac, champagne, whisk--

 

MARKS: Thanks, that's enough. So why exactly is drunken horse-racing illegal?

 

BROOKS: Elvern's codes both prohibit "drunken acceleration upon vehicle or beast" and horse-racing in the city square. First of all, drunken acceleration means that those under the influence are often unable to see where they're going or care where they're going. It's a danger to themselves as well--they could fall off, crash, and numerous other accidents could happen. Horse-racing was prohibited in 1918, when a horse-race in the city shopping center caused seventy minor injuries, twenty-two major injuries, including concussions, and three fatalities. Horse-racers are often reckless, and as horse-racing is not a sport defined as an "official activity or project for which the government may clear pathways of vehicle and pedestrian movement", they're also not able to clear people from the streeet.

 

MARKS: Why doesn't the government introduce a change in the bill to allow for clearing of the streets?  It seems like this would make for both better deals for the horse-racers and pedestrians and drivers.

 

BROOKS: We've considered this, but clearing of the streets requires a federal statement from the oligarchy allowing for such. We submitted two re-forms of the bill, but it's still on what we call the "oligarchy's waiting list" in a lower position. Compared to such important issues as foreign aid, illegal immigration, and global warming, do you really want a majority of the oligarchy's time spent on the horse-racing debate? The Petty Council, which processes bill re-form requests, has also pointed out to us horse-racing is often unethical for animal safety reasons. Horses are transported in dark, cramped trucks, often neglected, and whipped harshly. We've sent in patrols to prevent horse-racing in other areas, and we've also enforced a national law making for better animal rights.

 

MARKS: Great to have you on the show. Thanks for coming, everybody! This is SHOWBIZ VOLEDADS!

 

   

A time ago, before you were born

Ladies had hair of gold

A time ago, before you were born

Suitors were quite bold;

 

A time ago, before you were born

It would be mad to fart

A time ago, before you were born

Men easily won women's hearts;

 

Yet a time ago, before you were born

There was a lady who hated men

A time ago, before you were born

That lady wandered the fen;

 

She armed herself with sword, shield and bow

Hung a quiver of arrows at her neck

Slashed at men who dared come near

Shouting "Go away" and "Heck!"

 

Braver was she than her father's warrior

Firecer was she than Cerberus* of hell

And inspired more fear in the minds of men

Than any could really tell;

 

But she was not as invincible as people thought

And one day Lord Death came to her

She remained fighting his fumes to the very end

Finally said "Oh fine, sir"

 

And so she was cast into the underworld
With sword in hand she was flung

Into the Depths of Darkness

And of her valiance many sung;

 

So now her eerie shouts haunt the Dark Realm

And her sword cuts the Underworld air

Her arrows fly by and she lets out a cry

As the wind whips her hair.

 

 

Loki threw a booger at Stinky Tofu and snuck carefully out of the room...

 

'How boring was Eltotae? Why do I even care about plants been burnt in Juniper...' Loki muttered, flicking another booger at a CD in the corner.

 

'Wait a sec…burn? Maybe I can use the army of fire and burn whoever's on Earth! Yeah! That's so brilliant! Oh! I love myself so much! HAHAHAHA!!!!' He decided to implement his brilliant plan of invading the earth and took off to Mars, where he summoned 500 tiny puny fire elves and 10 overweight (and brainless) fire dragons as his army of the fire. Together with the army of fire Loki took off and headed towards the expected glory on Earth.

 

When Loki and his army entered the ozone layer, Loki seriously wished he had paid some attention to his tutor Eltotae in class. Eltotae had mentioned Earth's gravity was more than a hundreds times greater than Pluto or Mars. It was not a surprise that as soon as they entered the earth, they all got sucked to the surface of the Earth at unbelievable speed.

 

As Loki & his army were falling to the surface of the Earth, Loki suddenly remembered that Eltotae once mentioned roughly 70% of earth's surface is made of water. He shouted out 'everyone retreats, on my command retreat! Retreat!' Again it was not a surprise when he saw what was under his feet was not the land of Fairytalesgoneright, but the great Atlantic Ocean where voracious killer whales awaited. However it was all too late. The gravity on Earth was too strong and one by one they got sucked into the ocean; one by one the mutilated army of fire screamed, almost silently, with bubbles flowing out of their mouths as various parts of their body, chewed and bloodied, were swept away with the tide. 

As Loki hit the surface of the ocean, sea water rushed into his mouth, nose and eventually moved into his capillaries, veins and lungs.

 

Not knowing how long he had been unconscious, Loki opened his eyes and saw the extraordinarily blue sky of the Earth. He asked himself 'is this heaven' and very soon he realized he was on a pirate ship full of nice and lovely pirates. The captain of the ship Captain Stabhimselfaccidently had saved him and decided to keep Loki with them as a worker on the ship.

 

After Loki had spent few days on the prate ship, Loki became slim and fitter and worked hard with the crew, getting used to the gravity. Loki was determined to start eating vegetables and fruit, as pirates told him that it was healthy for him.

 

Once three days had gone by, they sailed past a huge rock. There were three Sirens on the rock. The Sirens were singing heavenly songs and the pirates jumped into the ocean one by one as the song poisoned their minds and their souls. However since Loki was from Pluto, he was immune to the song (the truth was that Loki liked only classical music) and somehow managed to flick boogers at the Sirens and save all the pirates.

 

Captain Stabhimselfaccidently was very grateful and was willing to offer freedom to Loki. Loki had already fallen in love with the spectacular earth and had decided to live on the coast and became a fisherman. The pirates dropped him off on a small fisherman village and soon after that, he married an ogre named Fiona and...lived happily ever after.

 

The End

 

 Loki turned fourteen the day after Bluebeard Jr. and Mr. Shempfdarling had been killed. He flicked boogers at anybody who tried to get near his “exclusive premium specially-made new only-for-me chocolate with vanilla-frosting and Earth frog-leg filling and earth pomegranate wine cake” and was in a bad mood for the entire day.

            “The more an alien gets older, the more it gets moldier,” Loki complained pettishly, sticking his tongue out at his tutor Eltotae, who was already covered in mold. Alien skin is made of cheese, so naturally it gets moldy.

            “Shut up, my dear sausage, and let us begin with our lesson on the most inferior planet Jupiter,” Eltotae said pleasantly, popping a special Earth-olive into his mouth. “Basically, the ground force of Jupiter force its plants to burn as soon as seed reaches the ground, etc, etc, the inhabitants therefore have no knowledge of this and that and etc, etc…” It was all etceteras to Loki, who was paying no attention and was instead kicking Eltotae’s cat, Stinky Tofu, around the room while thinking about the smartest way to take over the world. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, Eltotae stopped the lesson with his famous “etc, etc” and began babbling about lunch. Loki threw a booger at Stinky Tofu and snuck carefully out of the room.

            WHAT HAPPENS TO LOKI NOW??? WILL HE REALLY TAKE OVER THE WORLD??? ANSWER IT YOURSELF AND POST IT IN A COMMENTS BOX!!!

Bluebeard Jr.’s face turned an awful, deathly pale, so pale that everyone who saw it would have thought there were hundreds and hundreds of devils prancing around in his stomach. But there were absolutely no devils in his stomach whatsoever. The true reason was because inside his cold-blooded heart, he knew that Auntie Mollanda was murdered. She inconveniently happened to be Bluebeard Jr's 199th wife.

 

"You didn't murder her, did you?" asked Loki, trying incredibly hard to appear innocent and angelic.

 

"I...I..." Bluebeard was speechless.

 

Another "loudest bobcat cry" erupted in the room.   

 

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Mr. Shempfdarling howled, wailing in rage and sadness at the death of his sister. "Bluebeard Jr, how dare you murder my chubby 56th little sister!!!!?"

 

Mr. Shempfdarling's heart was shattered into one thousand trillion pieces. Mr. Shempfdarling did not give a millisecond for Bluebeard to explain his innocence and instead attacked Bluebeard brutally, basically flying onto Bluebeard’s head and digging his extra-long nails into his chest. Dark red blood spurted out from every angle of Bluebeard’s body, splattering Loki and Mr. Shempfdarling, who laughed ruthlessly. He was now almost a madman, and tore more at Bluebeard’s bloody flesh, screaming triumph, kicking and screaming and pounding the body over and over again.

 

Suddenly Loki crept up behind Mr. Shempfdarling, flicked another booger at him, and caught him by the waist. Mr. Shempfdarling tumbled and Loki lost no time. He threw his hands around Mr. Shempfdarling’s skinny neck and began squeezing, squeezing, until Mr. Shempfdarling was choking and turning blue and red and purple. 

 

Mr. Shempfdarling and Bluebeard lay on the floor, their breath weakening with the passing of every single second. Both were fatally injured and suffered and cried in great agony, writhing with their eyes bulging out, seeming to be crossed with horrible torture and terror, as Death approached them, grinning. Hell was running low on evil souls and Death was more than glad to fetch some careless brawling humans.

 

Loki watched silently as Death took Bluebeard Jr. & Mr. Shempfdarling away. He smiled as their evil souls left their twisted, blood covered carcasses and he knew his brilliant evil plan had succeeded. Loki was the one who had actually murdered Auntie Mollanda. Now, after the death of Bluebeard and Mr. Shemfdarling, the coast was clear to take over the kingdom of Fairytalegonewrong and began his silly but frightening plan of invading Earth...

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT UNFINISHED BLOG STORY!!!! WHO WILL DIE…THIS TIME???

 

I was mortified as Adrianna smirked and snorted at my "dreadful" writing and I tried to distract her, but she ignored me completely. I suggested we go and bake pizza, but she continued to read, annoying me all the more.

 

"Hey, come on, let's go see some other blogs," I said, tugging on her sleeve. Adrianna finally finished making fun of my blog and we went around to Recommended Blogs  where we could see new entries and cool stories.

 

"Say...this looks good..." I pointed to a blog with a picture of a dirty slum, which looked like this:

"Oh, fine," Adrianna muttered. I could easily tell she wasn't too happy about seeing a  blog about some faraway slums.

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

BY YOU! PLEASE COPY AND PASTE THIS STORY INTO A MICROSOFT WORD OR BLOG OF YOUR OWN AND FINISH THE STORY ANY WAY YOU WANT! GIVE ME LINK TO YOUR BLOG STORY BY COMMENTING ON MY BLOG!  

"Hey! What are you doing in my room?!" My older sister shouted at me with the ferocity I would of have expected of a dinner-deprived werewolf, not an obnoxious ten-year-old sister, and put her hands on her hips.

 

"Uh..." I gave her my best very-innocent-little-sister smile, but she didn't get any happier.

 

"Using my computer, obviously," she grumbled. "Don't you have your own?" It was more of a statement than a question; everyone knew very well we each had our own laptops.

 

"Well yeah," I said, edging away. Adrianna could land a good kick when she was angry enough. I meant to say "yeah" to the fact that I had my own computer, but Adrianna seemed to take it as my affirmitave for the "using my computer" and punched me in the stomach. I groaned dramatically, although really it didn't hurt too much.

 

"Well, let me see what trash you've got anyways," she said casually, peering over my shoulder. 

 

TO BE CONTINUED!!!    

Oh it was many a year ago

That a princess lived in a palace

Beware, this is a tale of wailing and woe

So perhaps you’d better go.

 

A young lawyer of Pinson-town

Was in love with the princess of the palace

From that day on he acted like a clown

So great was his love for the princess.

 

His eyes were sore for his lady love

His stockings and jacket rumpled

For her he bought rings and doves

And gems of exquisite beauty

 

But never did that proud princess look

Towards the lawyer of Pinson-town

Who then never had his eyes towards a book

But always towards the princess.

 

One day there was lightning and thunder

The suitors ran and jumped and screamed

Everybody was scattered asunder

Except for the lawyer of Pinson-town.

 

The thunder rolled and the lightning flashed

In great terrifying streaks across the sky

And it was then that a carriage crashed

And fell upon the princess.

 

White was the face of the Pinson lawyer

And watery were his eyes

He ran into the palace foyer

And took a sword from a knight.

 

He drove the sword deep into his body

And blood came streaming out

Everybody thought he had gone dotty

Because the princess was still alive.